I feel like I have really stumbled upon something with my latest goal. For whatever reason, wanting to find out who my true self really is and then wanting to be true to that person has really had a pretty powerful effect on me these past couple of weeks. That's not to say they have been perfect weeks--far from it! I have had plenty of frustrations and moments when I truly have failed at acting in a way that is consistent with who I truly am. But there have also been many moments when I have thought and pondered and studies and felt like I really understood my true self better, and moments when that knowledge helped me rise above a situation and be confident, self-assured, and able to make better choices. Like I said, it has been powerful!
One day for my scripture study, I studies my patriarchal blessing and took some time and really tried hard to to prayerfully consider who I think I truly am, deep down inside, and have always been. I wrote it down in a journal, and I'll post it on here, just to make sure I don't lose it!
"When I read about who I was then, I imagine a strong, steadfast daughter. I imagine one who worked hard to do her best at the responsibilities that were entrusted to her. I imagine a woman who thoroughly knows her Father in Heaven, knows His attributes, knows His desires, knows His plan, and will give all her strength and ability to help it be brought to pass.
I imagine a woman with her head held high because she knows her worth, she knows her power, and she knows she is putting it to use int he right place. I imagine a woman who can do anything that is asked of her, and can do it with strength and humility. I imagine a woman who understands that her part, though perhaps small, is vitally important, not just because her Father needs her help, but also because her part is perfectly suited to her need for growth, her abilities and her happiness.
I see a woman who completely and gladly trusts her Father, and knows that as she engages in His work, His strength is her strength, and therefore, she can do anything. I see a woman who is excited and anxious for opportunities to grow and improve, and prove herself and her dedication to her Father; who is excited and anxious to accomplish His work."
When I reflect on that idea of who I was and am, deep down inside, I feel so noble, and so powerful. I feel like there is no reason for me to get bogged down with doubt and selfishness and daily frustrations. I know who I am. I know what is important. I know I can do so much good. I know who I want to become, and I know I have the tools to do it. So now all that's left is to just get to work! It feels so empowering to me. I no longer feel like just a frazzled mom in a world of other frazzled people. I feel like a capable leader who can take on challenges and handle them purposefully, prepared with a toolbox of ideas to try and a ready Father to help me as I make my way through this journey. It's exciting, and it somehow feels so satisfying to view my life through this lens.
So, I suppose my spiritual goals for the coming weeks, which are going to be so very busy, is to try each day to center myself by thinking about this person that I really am. Maybe even during my morning prayers just try to imagine myself as I would look spiritually. Have a small glimpse of who I am to carry with me throughout each day. And then to try to honor that spiritual self--to let her take control in those times when I feel weak or unable.
My physical goals for this week are to get back to a low calorie goal. I think 1000 was just too low--it just wasn't really sustainable. So, my new goal is 1200 a day. Wish me luck!
