I was thinking just the other night about how life can be so much like you pictured it would be, and we can still feel so unhappy. Why is that? Is it sheer exhaustion and frustration with the everyday that makes the everyday so hard to like? Don't get me wrong, I love my life. Sometimes I just don't like it. Which is insane, because I have it really good. I wish I just knew how to skip all of the feelings of frustration and just let them go. How do you do that? How do you not care about screaming, disobedient children? Or having your feelings hurt? Or not being able to stick to goals I have set for eating right? Or somehow not being able to get on top of your finances despite not really buying anything except gas and food? Other things like a messy house are easier. I know how to fix that. So while that is a constant bother to me, it's not what makes me feel so frustrated. It just adds to the feelings.
I feel almost crippled with an overwhelming sense of "I can't do it." It's awful. Never before at any stage in my life have I felt this way, and I am left to wonder what in the world is wrong with me. But it's only in the internal areas of my life. When I'm out doing things or when I have an audience, I am fine. I even feel fine. Pretty much all the way through. But when it is just me, or me and my family, I often find it so hard. Why is that? I don't understand it at all.
I didn't mean for this to be such a downer, but I am pretty sure AnnaMarie is the only one who even reads this occasionally, anyways, so I guess I am just apologizing to myself. I just wish I could figure it out. But like everything else, I am sure this only seems big right now, and later it will be more clear and less overwhelming. But for now, it is hard. And I feel a bit lost and very alone. It is a very frustrating feeling to be generally making good and right choices, even best choices, but still feel like you aren't doing it right. Here's to a better day today, at any rate. I sure could use it.
