Today Michael and Abbey gave me the present they had been working on--they digitized my cookbook and made a new website for it. It was a great gift, and I love it! My mom shared the link to the website on facebook, with a comment about an essay I wrote during MBA school about doughnuts vs. beignets and the accompanying actual beignets I made to go along with the essay. my mom used this essay frequently in her classes and brought along beignets to share when she did, thus she was sharing the link with all those who had read the essay and eaten the beignets in the past.
Anyways, that led me to dig up that essay and read it again. I'll link to it here. The point of the essay is comparing ourselves to doughnuts and beignets. Doughnuts are defined by what they lack, but beignets are essentially the same thing, but are defined by what they are, and are better for it. It's an allegory fro how we view ourselves. Here's a little snippet:
"I am different; rare even. I have interesting and valuable traits that are part of who I am and that make me more than just another typical mold-fitting person. What’s more, I am convinced that when all is said and done, I will find that my life experiences were suited specifically to who I really am. It is who I am that will allow me to accomplish my goals in life.
We
all have the potential to be Beignets. The key lies in understanding
the value in who we are and what we have to give. Don’t define
yourself by what you aren’t. Embrace who you are, and guarantee
that you will get much more mileage out of your hunk of dough."
Reading this essay took me right back to that place in my life. And as I often do when looking in on previous versions of the person I am, I admired the strength and conviction and confidence that I had at that point in my life. I feel the same way about "Teenage Caroline". Teenage Caroline was so sure of herself. She knew what her priorities and most important goals were, and allowed absolutely nothing to interfere with them. She was responsible and intelligent and compassionate and fun.
And then there's "MBA school Caroline". She was working so hard, and while she didn't excel in everything, she balanced it all so well! She was smart and kind and hardworking and had a deep sense of confidence about the education she was working towards and the person she was becoming because of it. It was where she knew she needed to be, and that was very satisfying to her. She was improving and excelling in so many ways.
Often I look back at these women and the other versions of Caroline who have come and gone, and I have a hard time recognizing myself. Each of those Carolines were confident and self-assured and good at what they did. They felt good inside and others looked up to them in a lot of ways. They were working towards goals that were seen as worthy by everyone they rubbed shoulders with. They worked hard, but there was no real level of personal, internal discomfort.
This year has made me feel a bit lost. I even look back to "Caroline with Two Kids" and sometimes even "Caroline with Three Kids" and think back to how composed I was and how certain I felt about everything. But somehow the equation of two parents and four children has put me in some kind of a tailspin. I no longer feel confident in my abilities. I have a hard time feeling like I do a good job or work hard enough. It's not just the sheer numbers, either. As my kids get older, new stresses and new levels of necessary parenting come into play. Sometimes I just feel so unprepared for it all, yet here I am!
So I was thinking today about what I will think about this current version of myself when it is no longer current. How will I feel about "Caroline with Four Small Children" in a few years? And that made me realize something that I haven't realized before. This is the first time in my life where I feel like I am not in control of things, and that alone means that I am--of necessity--growing in new and different ways. I am becoming a different person. A stronger person. A more able person. I feel like I am floundering, but I know that as I seek my Father in Heaven to guide me and as I rely on the power of the Atonement to enable and strengthen me in my life, I can do better, I can be better, and eventually, I will be able to feel like I am standing on my own two feet again. But it is precisely that process that I need in my life. I need to come to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior better.
I have tried to know them well in the past, but without real, true struggle in life, how are we ever compelled to seek them to the degree necessary for our required eternal spiritual development? And so, as I contemplated this tonight, I realized that "Caroline with Four Small Children" does indeed have something wonderful to offer the next version. I am stumbling into the dark, but I am doing it with faith and hope and love. And I am not trying to sound dramatic, because I know that I have such a blessed and wonderful life, and that I am blessed with people who love and support me on every side, but truly, I feel the real weight of this difficult period in my life. And it is heavy to bear. But I will bear it with courage and determination to do better and to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. And the next version, or some other version down the road, who has to stumble through a different and no doubt far more difficult dark period, will already know what to do. That is what I have to offer to my future self.
Coming to realize that this evening was powerful for me. It was a great birthday gift from my Heavenly Father, and I already feel empowered to work harder because of it. But even more importantly, I already feel an increase in self worth. And that is truly a great feeling.
