Well, it's obvious with the frequency of my posts, but I'll come out and say it. I'm really not going and getting much of anything right now! I feel like I'm still playing catch up with my life from the very beginning of summer! Although I sometimes feel like I am making some strides emotionally or spiritually, usually I feel like I am along for the ride and trying hard to get a firm grip (or any kind of grip, really!) on the reins of my life (aka my children). But the good news is that I don't really feel like I am to blame for not being on top of things. I feel like it's a hard job that I have the abililty to figure out and less like its a huge problem with no solution. So that's a good change, and it's brought a lot of relief with it. Somehow I feel capable, even though I'm not really visibly solving anything.
But I've still been crazy emotional lately. I watched Kelly's younger three for four days this week, and on top of that helped out my neighbor with her 2 young children for a while at the same time. And having 9 kids put me over the edge. I mean honestly. I was not nice. I was a failure at anything beyond keeping children alive and unharmed and fed. I just didn't have anything left in me--I couldn't find an ounce of strength or patience anywhere. It ranks up there with the worst couple of days of my entire life, just because I felt so broken and helpless and pretty much angry. Thankfully, it was eventually over, and I was so, so grateful to get back to my normal life.
Since then, though, Calvin and Sophie have been really struggling with behavior. And I have felt so terrible about the bad example I set for them on that one day (now, I didn't do anything really bad, I was just kind of sarcastic and grumpy and yelled kind of a lot and had a pretty short fuse) that I get so emotional when they don't listen because I don't know how to fix it without yelling or getting mad. So instead I cry. Which is probably better than getting mad, but really not productive and probably unfair to the kids as well.
And that's what happened this morning. Ryan, as usual, was happy to do his chores right away, willing to help me with whatever I asked him to do, and very sweet. That's been him lately--he's my Pig Will, and I am so grateful! But Calvin and Sophie, once again, said they would clean their room, but didn't. For like 2 hours. And finally after asking a million times and still finding them in their pajamas with a messy room, I teared up and told them that I didn't want to yell at them, but that I didn't know what else to do, and that they were making me so sad. Then I went downstairs, made a little pile of blankets to lay on, and just cried. I cried because I needed help figuring this out and asked Heavenly Father for His help. I cried because I really don't know what will work with those two, and I cried because of all the work I knew it would take to get them to listen or at least to get my house clean.
I said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me feel better. I said that sometimes all I needed to feel better was just a nice hug. And just after that, as I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks, sweet little Ryan came down the stairs and asked if he could give me a hug. So he lay down with me and snuggled me while I cried. I explained to him why I was sad, and my frustrations with trying to figure out how to get the other kids to listen without yelling and being mean. He hugged me and told me what a good mommy I was and how much he loved me. He just hugged me while I cried. Then we brainstormed together about what to do, and we decided on getting the other kids downstairs for "snuggle hug time", where we all snuggled and got out our grievances and then started the day over again.
The rest of the day went better, and I was very proud that I didn't resort to yelling and getting angry. So, there's one drop in the bucket. I was grateful today that Heavenly Father answered my prayer for comfort with my sweet little Ryan. He helped me feel loved and cared for and supported at a time when I felt weak and frustrated. What a very special boy he is.
So, overall, my goals are to get our home running smoothly enough for me to do fun and enjoyable and memorable things with the kids each day. I want our lives to be rich and full and fun and unique. But getting the home running smoothly is a tall order. I want to start with simplifying some things in my life, like getting ready fro the day--like really ready to take on the day--before my kids start needing me, like putting away the toys for a while to help with controlling messes, that sort of thing. I want to take a look at how we are doing things and use my MBA eyes to look for solutions. And while I'm doing all of this, I want to fill our home with light and keep out the darkness. I want that to be the lens through which I view my choices as a mother--does this bring light or does it bring darkness?
So, I hope to have a better framework and plan soon, but for now, I'll start with this.
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