Well hi there!

There goes another few months! I feel frustrated at my inability to get this healthy lifestyle junk under control. Every few months I feel a small wave of determination and get trying again. But that wave doesn't carry me very far. Like maybe 48 hours. I feel like I know all the basics of what will make me successful, but somehow I just can't break my habits for good. It is extremely frustrating.

Perhaps, though, I have been asking too much of myself. Setting my calorie goal at 1200, training for a half marathon, that sort of stuff. It's just not sustainable on a daily basis. I don't know. I keep thinking that things will be easier soon. Spring is coming soon so it will be warm enough to get out and exercise, summer is coming soon so our schedules will finally be flexible, fall is coming so my older kids will finally be in school and I'll have some freedom. That sort of thing. But in all reality, the future is never, ever easier. It's just different.

The truth is that I really don't like how I am right now. Physically, socially, spiritually, intellectually, you name it. And I'm not sure where to start. And I'm not sure what is most important. Or what will get me the most bang for my buck. But maybe what I need to do is just do something. Start doing something, and do it well, and don't give up, and commit to it. So, at the risk of sounding redundant (you know, like every other post on this blog), here are a couple of things I want to start doing.  I want to do them regularly, and I want to do them well.

 -Get up at 5:30 and review my goals and get myself mentally set for the day.
 -Run for at least 45 minutes four times per week.
-Find a quiet time before bedtime to study my scriptures for at least 30 minutes each day.
-Write down what I eat.
-Write on my chipper ship blog every day.
-Go to the grocery store only once a week when possible.

So I am going to start here and see if I can get really good at these things. Maybe this is too much to get good at right now. But maybe not!

It's been a while!

Well, it has been a while since my last post, and in all honesty, since I have thought seriously about improving myself and how to do that. Recently, however, with my church's General Conference and with other church lessons and topics of discussion, I have felt a strong desire to begin again! I have a number of things I'd like to work on, but today I am back to focusing on the same old problem that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember--how to change my habits so that I can keep my body healthy. Specifically, I want to focus on how I can gain and use the spiritual strength required to make such a change. Old habits die hard, and this old habit always hangs on for dear life. I feel like I have always controlled every physical appetite remarkably well--except the desire to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I have somehow always felt like this is the one area where I can do whatever I want without negative spiritual consequences. But I am beginning to realize that this is simply not true. It does have spiritual consequences! Letting my body be in control of my spirit, even in this one area, seems to spread out and find little cracks in my resolve in other areas. I am beginning to see that if I don't solve this problem now, the problem will only continue to spread and get worse in not only this, but other areas of my life. And so I have decided to get serious. I want to make a healthy living plan for myself and then focus hard on nourishing my spirit with sincere prayer, scripture study, and a peaceful home atmosphere so that it can have the strength necessary to override my physical desires. Also I will study my Savior's atonement and try to understand the enabling power of the atonement, and then continually ask my Heavenly Father and Savior to strengthen me as I try to change. I have faith in a loving Heavenly Father, and in a Savior who knows how to help me in my struggles, and who is willing and able to help me carry my burdens. I know that as I strive to better follow their commandments, including caring well for my physical body, that they will bless me and strengthen me and help me be successful when otherwise, on my own, I could not. And so without further ado, here is draft number one of my healthy living plan: Food: In regards to food intake, I will abide by principles in the Word of Wisdom in that I will focus on fruits, vegetables, and wholesome grains, with sparing servings of meat as well. I will avoid "treats" such as sugary things, desserts, or items high in fat (such as fried foods), unless in the case of a celebration or a family home evening treat once a week, and in those cases, I will only have one appropriately-sized serving. I will increase the amount of water I drink each day with a goal of a half gallon of water each day. I will keep my meal servings to an appropriate size and wait until I am certain that I am still hungry before taking additional servings. When I do so, I will start with a glass of water, then next have a serving of the healthiest item served in the meal, and then if I am still legitimately hungry, I will have a serving of something else. Exercise: I will continue to work on weight lifting with Michael and strive to do that 3 times per week. In addition, I will go for a run at last 3 times per week for at least 30 minutes each time. I will also strive to plan and involve my family in activities that help us be physically active together. For each hour I allow my children to watch screen time during the week, I will strive to also spend an hour doing something active with them. Okay, so there is my plan! I will work hard to follow it, and petition my Heavenly Father and Savior for help as I struggle to keep it. I feel a great sense of hope and joy as I embark on this journey once again, for this time I feel like I am finally approaching it from the right direction!

Happy Birthday To Me!

Well, today is my 31st birthday! It was a great day, surrounded by thoughtful people who love me and who made my day happy and full.  It's been a wonderful day.

Today Michael and Abbey gave me the present they had been working on--they digitized my cookbook and made a new website for it.  It was a great gift, and I love it!  My mom shared the link to the website on facebook, with a comment about an essay I wrote during MBA school about doughnuts vs. beignets and the accompanying actual beignets I made to go along with the essay.  my mom used this essay frequently in her classes and brought along beignets to share when she did, thus she was sharing the link with all those who had read the essay and eaten the beignets in the past.

Anyways, that led me to dig up that essay and read it again.  I'll link to it here.  The point of the essay is comparing ourselves to doughnuts and beignets. Doughnuts are defined by what they lack, but beignets are essentially the same thing, but are defined by what they are, and are better for it.  It's an allegory fro how we view ourselves.  Here's a little snippet:

"I am different; rare even. I have interesting and valuable traits that are part of who I am and that make me more than just another typical mold-fitting person. What’s more, I am convinced that when all is said and done, I will find that my life experiences were suited specifically to who I really am. It is who I am that will allow me to accomplish my goals in life.

We all have the potential to be Beignets. The key lies in understanding the value in who we are and what we have to give. Don’t define yourself by what you aren’t. Embrace who you are, and guarantee that you will get much more mileage out of your hunk of dough."

Reading this essay took me right back to that place in my life.  And as I often do when looking in on previous versions of the person I am, I admired the strength and conviction and confidence that I had at that point in my life.  I feel the same way about "Teenage Caroline".  Teenage Caroline was so sure of herself.  She knew what her priorities and most important goals were, and allowed absolutely nothing to interfere with them.  She was responsible and intelligent and compassionate and fun.  

And then there's "MBA school Caroline".  She was working so hard, and while she didn't excel in everything, she balanced it all so well!  She was smart and kind and hardworking and had a deep sense of confidence about the education she was working towards and the person she was becoming because of it.  It was where she knew she needed to be, and that was very satisfying to her.  She was improving and excelling in so many ways.

Often I look back at these women and the other versions of Caroline who have come and gone, and I have a hard time recognizing myself.  Each of those Carolines were confident and self-assured and good at what they did.  They felt good inside and others looked up to them in a lot of ways.  They were working towards goals that were seen as worthy by everyone they rubbed shoulders with.  They worked hard, but there was no real level of personal, internal discomfort.

This year has made me feel a bit lost.  I even look back to "Caroline with Two Kids" and sometimes even "Caroline with Three Kids" and think back to how composed I was and how certain I felt about everything.  But somehow the equation of two parents and four children has put me in some kind of a tailspin.  I no longer feel confident in my abilities.  I have a hard time feeling like I do a good job or work hard enough.  It's not just the sheer numbers, either.  As my kids get older, new stresses and new levels of necessary parenting come into play.  Sometimes I just feel so unprepared for it all, yet here I am!

So I was thinking today about what I will think about this current version of myself when it is no longer current.  How will I feel about "Caroline with Four Small Children" in a few years?  And that made me realize something that I haven't realized before.  This is the first time in my life where I feel like I am not in control of things, and that alone means that I am--of necessity--growing in new and different ways.  I am becoming a different person.  A stronger person.  A more able person.  I feel like I am floundering, but I know that as I seek my Father in Heaven to guide me and as I rely on the power of the Atonement to enable and strengthen me in my life, I can do better, I can be better, and eventually, I will be able to feel like I am standing on my own two feet again.  But it is precisely that process that I need in my life.  I need to come to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior better.  

I have tried to know them well in the past, but without real, true struggle in life, how are we ever compelled to seek them to the degree necessary for our required eternal spiritual development?  And so, as I contemplated this tonight, I realized that "Caroline with Four Small Children" does indeed have something wonderful to offer the next version.  I am stumbling into the dark, but I am doing it with faith and hope and love.  And I am not trying to sound dramatic, because I know that I have such a blessed and wonderful life, and that I am blessed with people who love and support me on every side, but truly, I feel the real weight of this difficult period in my life.  And it is heavy to bear.  But I will bear it with courage and determination to do better and to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  And the next version, or some other version down the road, who has to stumble through a different and no doubt far more difficult dark period, will already know what to do.  That is what I have to offer to my future self.

Coming to realize that this evening was powerful for me.  It was a great birthday gift from my Heavenly Father, and I already feel empowered to work harder because of it.  But even more importantly, I already feel an increase in self worth.  And that is truly a great feeling.

A little rough

I was thinking just the other night about how life can be so much like you pictured it would be, and we can still feel so unhappy.  Why is that?  Is it sheer exhaustion and frustration with the everyday that makes the everyday so hard to like?  Don't get me wrong, I love my life.  Sometimes I just don't like it.  Which is insane, because I have it really good.  I wish I just knew how to skip all of the feelings of frustration and just let them go.  How do you do that?  How do you not care about screaming, disobedient children?  Or having your feelings hurt?  Or not being able to stick to goals I have set for eating right?  Or somehow not being able to get on top of your finances despite not really buying anything except gas and food?  Other things like a messy house are easier. I know how to fix that.  So while that is a constant bother to me, it's not what makes me feel so frustrated.  It just adds to the feelings.

I feel almost crippled with an overwhelming sense of "I can't do it."  It's awful.  Never before at any stage in my life have I felt this way, and I am left to wonder what in the world is wrong with me.  But it's only in the internal areas of my life.  When I'm out doing things or when I have an audience, I am fine.  I even feel fine.  Pretty much all the way through.  But when it is just me, or me and my family, I often find it so hard.  Why is that?  I don't understand it at all.

I didn't mean for this to be such a downer, but I am pretty sure AnnaMarie is the only one who even reads this occasionally, anyways, so I guess I am just apologizing to myself.  I just wish I could figure it out.  But like everything else, I am sure this only seems big right now, and later it will be more clear and less overwhelming.  But for now, it is hard.  And I feel a bit lost and very alone.  It is a very frustrating feeling to be generally making good and right choices, even best choices, but still feel like you aren't doing it right.  Here's to a better day today, at any rate.  I sure could use it.

Bitter and Sweet

Well, it's obvious with the frequency of my posts, but I'll come out and say it.  I'm really not going and getting much of anything right now!  I feel like I'm still playing catch up with my life from the very beginning of summer!  Although I sometimes feel like I am making some strides emotionally or spiritually, usually I feel like I am along for the ride and trying hard to get a firm grip (or any kind of grip, really!) on the reins of my life (aka my children).  But the good news is that I don't really feel like I am to blame for not being on top of things.  I feel like it's a hard job that I have the abililty to figure out and less like its a huge problem with no solution.  So that's a good change, and it's brought a lot of relief with it.  Somehow I feel capable, even though I'm not really visibly solving anything. 

But I've still been crazy emotional lately.  I watched Kelly's younger three for four days this week, and on top of that helped out my neighbor with her 2 young children for a while at the same time.  And having 9 kids put me over the edge.  I mean honestly.  I was not nice.  I was a failure at anything beyond keeping children alive and unharmed and fed.  I just didn't have anything left in me--I couldn't find an ounce of strength or patience anywhere.  It ranks up there with the worst couple of days of my entire life, just because I felt so broken and helpless and pretty much angry.  Thankfully, it was eventually over, and I was so, so grateful to get back to my normal life.

Since then, though, Calvin and Sophie have been really struggling with behavior.  And I have felt so terrible about the bad example I set for them on that one day (now, I didn't do anything really bad, I was just kind of sarcastic and grumpy and yelled kind of a lot and had a pretty short fuse) that I get so emotional when they don't listen because I don't know how to fix it without yelling or getting mad.  So instead I cry.  Which is probably better than getting mad, but really not productive and probably unfair to the kids as well. 

And that's what happened this morning.  Ryan, as usual, was happy to do his chores right away, willing to help me with whatever I asked him to do, and very sweet.  That's been him lately--he's my Pig Will, and I am so grateful!  But Calvin and Sophie, once again, said they would clean their room, but didn't.  For like 2 hours.  And finally after asking a million times and still finding them in their pajamas with a messy room, I teared up and told them that I didn't want to yell at them, but that I didn't know what else to do, and that they were making me so sad.  Then I went downstairs, made a little pile of blankets to lay on, and just cried.  I cried because I needed help figuring this out and asked Heavenly Father for His help.  I cried because I really don't know what will work with those two, and I cried because of all the work I knew it would take to get them to listen or at least to get my house clean. 

I said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me feel better.  I said that sometimes all I needed to feel better was just a nice hug.  And just after that, as I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks, sweet little Ryan came down the stairs and asked if he could give me a hug.  So he lay down with me and snuggled me while I cried.  I explained to him why I was sad, and my frustrations with trying to figure out how to get the other kids to listen without yelling and being mean.  He hugged me and told me what a good mommy I was and how much he loved me.  He just hugged me while I cried.  Then we brainstormed together about what to do, and we decided on getting the other kids downstairs for "snuggle hug time", where we all snuggled and got out our grievances and then started the day over again. 

The rest of the day went better, and I was very proud that I didn't resort to yelling and getting angry.  So, there's one drop in the bucket.  I was grateful today that Heavenly Father answered my prayer for comfort with my sweet little Ryan.  He helped me feel loved and cared for and supported at a time when I felt weak and frustrated.  What a very special boy he is. 

So, overall, my goals are to get our home running smoothly enough for me to do fun and enjoyable and memorable things with the kids each day.  I want our lives to be rich and full and fun and unique.  But getting the home running smoothly is a tall order.  I want to start with simplifying some things in my life, like getting ready fro the day--like really ready to take on the day--before my kids start needing me, like putting away the toys for a while to help with controlling messes, that sort of thing.  I want to take a look at how we are doing things and use my MBA eyes to look for solutions.  And while I'm doing all of this, I want to fill our home with light and keep out the darkness.  I want that to be the lens through which I view my choices as a mother--does this bring light or does it bring darkness? 

So, I hope to have a better framework and plan soon, but for now, I'll start with this.

Busy busy busy

This summer has been a whirlwind.  I have been here, there, and everywhere, which has resulted in me living life on the surface.  Now that I'm back from my travels, I'm oscillating between catching up/putting out fires/hurrying here or there and being so exhausted that I have to go to bed early, wake up later and take a nap.  Which basically means I have not done much useful in the last month and a half, though I've made some great memories that I wouldn't trade.  So I guess that is good.

But anyways, here I sit.  It is Sunday evening.  I got the kids out the door at 5:30 this morning to take Michael to the airport for his conference in San Diego.  Which means I did Sunday all by myself today, plus having kids that woke up at 5:30.  It didn't go badly, at least probably not as badly as it should have, which makes it feel like it went pretty well.  But I am exhausted.  I tried so hard today to be a good mom.  I wanted to make my kids a delicious breakfast.  I wanted to have a happy morning and be cheerful together.  I wanted to not get frustrated and yell.  But I'm sorry to say that despite my intentions, none of those things happened.  It was a hard day.  Although somehow easier to know there was no help to be found and get through than to have unmet expectations of help I was hoping to receive.  That sounds harsh, but it's how I felt today.

At any rate, here I sit.  The house is a disaster.  Like a literal disaster.  Our kitchen in "in the process of being remodeled" except the problem is that it's being remodeled by us, and we have done pretty much almost nothing on it in a couple of weeks.  So instead, it sits an unusable, unmoppable, gigantic mess to add to the rest of the gigantic mess of our house.  I've had tears running down my face for the last hour and I can't tell if it's sheer exhaustion or me feeling like I did a bad job today or my shame for eating most of the peanut butter banana cream pie that used to be in my fridge or the fact that I pretty much lost it at bed time when I discovered that Calvin and Sophie had dumped hamster food for the 100th time all over their bedroom floor, this time with an added bonus of a bottle of water splashed around the room.  It's probably all of it combined.  I don't know.

I guess the point is, I feel crummy.  And it mostly feels crummy because even if I did jump up this minute and clean every inch of this house and read some uplifting scriptures and baked 100 loaves of delicious homemade bread and fed the poor and made that delicious pancake breakfast I meant to do this morning, nothing would really change.  I would still sit here tomorrow night frustrated that my house is once again a mess, and once again I hollered at my kids for something, and once again I ate a bunch of junk to compensate for not having had a good day.  It feels crummy because I can't really imagine what the solution could be.  I'm sure it's out there somewhere.

I guess I should wrap up with some good parts of the day, just so I'm not a total downer.  Hannah napped early, and the kids watched Milo and Otis and then played well, which meant I got a 2 hour nap this morning.  I spent some extra time making sure my kids felt like they looked nice and that their mother was willing to help them get ready.  I lent Sophie a necklace and put pink sparkle dust all over her and fixed Ryan's favorite bowtie and helped Calvin get ready when he was too sleepy after his nap.  And instead of rolling my eyes and hollering at Calvin to buckle up after he bonked his head on the roof of the car when we were already late, I climbed back there to kiss and hug him and buckle him in and scold the car.  These meant we were 15 minutes late to church, but I still feel like it was a good call.  I had a fun and snarky texting session with my parents, sister and brother in law that made me forget my frustrations and have a good laugh.  Hannah happily bopped around the room in primary while I taught singing time.  I liked my haircut today with my new headband in it.  I played with Hannah before bed, just the two of us singing songs and laughing on Ryan's bed.  I got a phone call from Michael that cheered me up.

So, there were some great parts of today, too.  I just am feeling down in the dumps tonight.  But I suppose it's time to square my shoulders and get to work around here and see if I can change my destiny tomorrow :)

Better

I feel like I have really stumbled upon something with my latest goal.  For whatever reason, wanting to find out who my true self really is and then wanting to be true to that person has really had a pretty powerful effect on me these past couple of weeks.  That's not to say they have been perfect weeks--far from it!  I have had plenty of frustrations and moments when I truly have failed at acting in a way that is consistent with who I truly am.  But there have also been many moments when I have thought and pondered and studies and felt like I really understood my true self better, and moments when that knowledge helped me rise above a situation and be confident, self-assured, and able to make better choices.  Like I said, it has been powerful!

One day for my scripture study, I studies my patriarchal blessing and took some time and really tried hard to to prayerfully consider who I think I truly am, deep down inside, and have always been.  I wrote it down in a journal, and I'll post it on here, just to make sure I don't lose it!

"When I read about who I was then, I imagine a strong, steadfast daughter.  I imagine one who worked hard to do her best at the responsibilities that were entrusted to her.  I imagine a woman who thoroughly knows her Father in Heaven, knows His attributes, knows His desires, knows His plan, and will give all her strength and ability to help it be brought to pass. 

I imagine a woman with her head held high because she knows her worth, she knows her power, and she knows she is putting it to use int he right place.  I imagine a woman who can do anything that is asked of her, and can do it with strength and humility.  I imagine a woman who understands that her part, though perhaps small, is vitally important, not just because her Father needs her help, but also because her part is perfectly suited to her need for growth, her abilities and her happiness.

I see a woman who completely and gladly trusts her Father, and knows that as she engages in His work, His strength is her strength, and therefore, she can do anything.  I see a woman who is excited and anxious for opportunities to grow and improve, and prove herself and her dedication to her Father; who is excited and anxious to accomplish His work."

When I reflect on that idea of who I was and am, deep down inside, I feel so noble, and so powerful.  I feel like there is no reason for me to get bogged down with doubt and selfishness and daily frustrations.  I know who I am.  I know what is important.  I know I can do so much good.  I know who I want to become, and I know I have the tools to do it.  So now all that's left is to just get to work!  It feels so empowering to me.  I no longer feel like just a frazzled mom in a world of other frazzled people.  I feel like a capable leader who can take on challenges and handle them purposefully, prepared with a toolbox of ideas to try and a ready Father to help me as I make my way through this journey.  It's exciting, and it somehow feels so satisfying to view my life through this lens. 

So, I suppose my spiritual goals for the coming weeks, which are going to be so very busy, is to try each day to center myself by thinking about this person that I really am.  Maybe even during my morning prayers just try to imagine myself as I would look spiritually.  Have a small glimpse of who I am to carry with me throughout each day.  And then to try to honor that spiritual self--to let her take control in those times when I feel weak or unable. 

My physical goals for this week are to get back to a low calorie goal.  I think 1000 was just too low--it just wasn't really sustainable.  So, my new goal is 1200 a day.  Wish me luck!