But enough celebrating my successes. Back to my failings. It's not that I feel like a failure--I I know motherhood is hard, and to call yourself a "success" at something as complicated, far-reaching, eternal, and all-encompassing as motherhood is something like Sophie and Calvin telling me that they have cleaned their room "all the way". Yeah, right. Might not ever happen in this life!!! There are always toys still on the the floor, beds unmade, clothes and shoes and ties piling up on the closet floor, clothes falling out of the dresser drawers, hamster shavings all over the place, hand smudgies on the walls, and I'm not even going to talk about what's under the bed. So great job for putting the dirty clothes in the laundry and picking things up off the rug. But your room is not clean. So, my point is, I tend to cut myself some slack in the motherhood department. I don't think anyone has it all together, because that is impossible. And I don't expect myself to have it all together, either.
That being said, it is still so hard to feel so incapable at something that is comprised of things that are so simple and easy to do. Take any one or really any 10 tasks of motherhood. Cleaning up poop, making a meal, bathing a child, correcting homework, giving someone extra attention, singing a bedtime song, vacuuming a rug, waking up at 4 in the morning to put a binky in a sweet, crabby little mouth. ANYONE could do ANY of these things. That is why it is so frustrating to me to feel like I can't cut the mustard. Because it seems SO EASY to cut it. But when it's a swimming pool full of mustard and you're slogging through it with four sweet little souls hanging onto you for dear life while you slip and fall and try desperately to get your footing and on top of that you feel like you are doing it all alone because your husband can't be in the mustard with you due to his own slog fest through the swimming pool of the relish of full time work, full-time school, and Elders' quorom president-ing, well, then it is not quite so easy to cut.
I am tired, I am overwhelmed, I am lonely, I am sad, I am disappointed at my seeming inability to to make a difference in ANYTHING, I am tired, I am tired and I am tired. It is so hard. And when I feel that way so often, it is so hard to motivate myself to pack a lunch or change a diaper or clean out the fridge ever or pick up the dirty napkin that I used to wipe my nose and stuffed in the cupholder of the car. It's like I am paralyzed and can't do any of those simple, easy to do things. I am just to thoroghly bone-tired to even care sometimes.
But then there are the beautiful times when I really see my children. When I recognize that the endless need for attention really translates into a heart bursting with love and admiration just for me. When I realize that they actually thought about me and my feelings and tried to do something to ease my load or make me feel loved. When I see them doing something kind or honorable to others, and I realize that they did that because I taught them to do that. Those moments make me feel a bit like Alma the younger when he said, "Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy (Alma 36:21)." As completely and utterly incapable as I feel some days, I feel that same depth of emotion in the opposite direction on other days--like I am on top of the world and I can see exactly what it is all about and why it is that I do what I do, and it is all not only worth it, but so wonderful that it fills my heart to bursting.
And that is the dichotomy of motherhood. I'm sure every mother has felt it. But I am just now realizing something. Google defines dichotomy as: "a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different." I know, and have always known, where that incomparable feeling of joy and satisfaction and eternal perspective comes from--our Heavenly Father. Those feelings come directly from Him. It is as if He gives to us, because we are His partners in raising and teaching and loving our children, just a small slice of what He feels for us as His children, so that we can gain understanding and then seek after a second serving, and a third, and a fourth and so on. But if those come directly from our Father, then the feelings of failure and sadness and disappointment and despair come directly from the "opposite or entirely different" force. It is the adversary whispering to us, "It is too hard. Give up. Sure, make the food, wipe the nose, do the dishes, but make sure they all know how much you hate it. You don't have enough energy left to waste any love on things that are making you fail at tasks that are so easy any bum off the street could do it."
The truth is, there are things in this life that matter, and things that just don't matter. The adversary wants to us to flip these things around. He wants us to think that the tasks have to get done, but the people can be ignored and snubbed and abused. He wants us to spend so much time and energy on things that don't truly matter so that we feel like there is absolutely no more time and energy within us to spend on the things that truly do matter. And do you know what? It works! And I tuck my kids in to bed at night sometimes and realize that I worked my tail off all day from sun up to sun down doing absolutely nothing for myself, feeling like I had been doing important things for others all day long, but then realize that I never once played a game with one of my children, or read one of my children a story. Or let one of my children help me with a task. Or played with my baby when she cried instead of just feeding her or putting her to bed or telling someone else to entertain her. And when those realizations come, I feel truly awful. And I look around at my wiped off counters and my folded laundry and I realize that I got it all wrong.
In her general conference talk in April, Linda S. Reeves said the following.
"Some of you have heard me tell how
overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young
children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with
the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded
to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the
house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some
responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be
accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and
weekly family home evening.”
We
were trying to do these things, but they were not always the priority
and, amidst the chaos, were sometimes neglected. We changed our focus
and tried not to worry about the less-important things. Our focus became
to talk, rejoice, preach, and testify of Christ by striving to daily
pray and study the scriptures and have weekly family home evening."
There are things that are truly, eternally important. Those things include loving our family members as the Savior would, and showing that love through teaching, spending time with them, and serving them. The most important elements in rearing children successfully are prayer, scripture study and family home evenings. The other things on our lists and in our lives don't really matter.
It's like the age old Young Womens lesson about time management, where you have a glass jar and a bunch of rocks of varying sizes--bigger ones, medium ones, smaller ones, and a bunch of sand. If you start filling the jar up with sand and a few little rocks, there is soon no more space left for the big rocks. But if you start with the big rocks, then fill in with the smaller rocks, then finally add the sand, there is room for all of it. It is the same way with motherhood. If I start with the cleaning and cooking and dance classes and chores and piano lessons and who knows what else, pretty soon my jar is full. Nothing else will fit, and quite frankly I am too tired and exhausted and irritable to try to make it so. But if we start with what is most important--if we prioritize showing love to our children and reading scriptures with them and praying with them and helping them feel valued--then we will find time for enough of the pebbles and sand to keep our lives running relatively smoothly and successfully. No one has room for it all, but we'll have room for what we need. But if we neglect putting those most important things first, our jars may seem full, but our lives will be empty and sad.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, I have been putting the pebbles first. And I'm exhausted. I and so tired of trying desperately to cram those big rocks into a jar already full of practically pointless things. At church yesterday in Relief Society we were shown a video that didn't have any words, but depicted women doing loving and worthwhile things with their hands. Like making covenants like baptism, doing family history research, serving those in need, caring for children, and so on. That video really touched my heart. It made me realize that I have a limited supply of time and energy, and that in order to be happy and satisfies with my life, I need to start putting those most important things first. I need to use my hands to share the love of the Lord with others, but most importantly with my family. It's time to put the big rocks first.
So that is my new goal for this week. My plan is to begin each day by asking my Heavenly Father to help me remember to put these most important things first, and then go go forward with my day trying to involve my children in the things that I do, when possible, and make time to be with them and make sure that they feel my love. And then afterwards maybe we can get the sand and the pebbles in the jar together.
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