Happy Birthday To Me!

Well, today is my 31st birthday! It was a great day, surrounded by thoughtful people who love me and who made my day happy and full.  It's been a wonderful day.

Today Michael and Abbey gave me the present they had been working on--they digitized my cookbook and made a new website for it.  It was a great gift, and I love it!  My mom shared the link to the website on facebook, with a comment about an essay I wrote during MBA school about doughnuts vs. beignets and the accompanying actual beignets I made to go along with the essay.  my mom used this essay frequently in her classes and brought along beignets to share when she did, thus she was sharing the link with all those who had read the essay and eaten the beignets in the past.

Anyways, that led me to dig up that essay and read it again.  I'll link to it here.  The point of the essay is comparing ourselves to doughnuts and beignets. Doughnuts are defined by what they lack, but beignets are essentially the same thing, but are defined by what they are, and are better for it.  It's an allegory fro how we view ourselves.  Here's a little snippet:

"I am different; rare even. I have interesting and valuable traits that are part of who I am and that make me more than just another typical mold-fitting person. What’s more, I am convinced that when all is said and done, I will find that my life experiences were suited specifically to who I really am. It is who I am that will allow me to accomplish my goals in life.

We all have the potential to be Beignets. The key lies in understanding the value in who we are and what we have to give. Don’t define yourself by what you aren’t. Embrace who you are, and guarantee that you will get much more mileage out of your hunk of dough."

Reading this essay took me right back to that place in my life.  And as I often do when looking in on previous versions of the person I am, I admired the strength and conviction and confidence that I had at that point in my life.  I feel the same way about "Teenage Caroline".  Teenage Caroline was so sure of herself.  She knew what her priorities and most important goals were, and allowed absolutely nothing to interfere with them.  She was responsible and intelligent and compassionate and fun.  

And then there's "MBA school Caroline".  She was working so hard, and while she didn't excel in everything, she balanced it all so well!  She was smart and kind and hardworking and had a deep sense of confidence about the education she was working towards and the person she was becoming because of it.  It was where she knew she needed to be, and that was very satisfying to her.  She was improving and excelling in so many ways.

Often I look back at these women and the other versions of Caroline who have come and gone, and I have a hard time recognizing myself.  Each of those Carolines were confident and self-assured and good at what they did.  They felt good inside and others looked up to them in a lot of ways.  They were working towards goals that were seen as worthy by everyone they rubbed shoulders with.  They worked hard, but there was no real level of personal, internal discomfort.

This year has made me feel a bit lost.  I even look back to "Caroline with Two Kids" and sometimes even "Caroline with Three Kids" and think back to how composed I was and how certain I felt about everything.  But somehow the equation of two parents and four children has put me in some kind of a tailspin.  I no longer feel confident in my abilities.  I have a hard time feeling like I do a good job or work hard enough.  It's not just the sheer numbers, either.  As my kids get older, new stresses and new levels of necessary parenting come into play.  Sometimes I just feel so unprepared for it all, yet here I am!

So I was thinking today about what I will think about this current version of myself when it is no longer current.  How will I feel about "Caroline with Four Small Children" in a few years?  And that made me realize something that I haven't realized before.  This is the first time in my life where I feel like I am not in control of things, and that alone means that I am--of necessity--growing in new and different ways.  I am becoming a different person.  A stronger person.  A more able person.  I feel like I am floundering, but I know that as I seek my Father in Heaven to guide me and as I rely on the power of the Atonement to enable and strengthen me in my life, I can do better, I can be better, and eventually, I will be able to feel like I am standing on my own two feet again.  But it is precisely that process that I need in my life.  I need to come to know my Heavenly Father and my Savior better.  

I have tried to know them well in the past, but without real, true struggle in life, how are we ever compelled to seek them to the degree necessary for our required eternal spiritual development?  And so, as I contemplated this tonight, I realized that "Caroline with Four Small Children" does indeed have something wonderful to offer the next version.  I am stumbling into the dark, but I am doing it with faith and hope and love.  And I am not trying to sound dramatic, because I know that I have such a blessed and wonderful life, and that I am blessed with people who love and support me on every side, but truly, I feel the real weight of this difficult period in my life.  And it is heavy to bear.  But I will bear it with courage and determination to do better and to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  And the next version, or some other version down the road, who has to stumble through a different and no doubt far more difficult dark period, will already know what to do.  That is what I have to offer to my future self.

Coming to realize that this evening was powerful for me.  It was a great birthday gift from my Heavenly Father, and I already feel empowered to work harder because of it.  But even more importantly, I already feel an increase in self worth.  And that is truly a great feeling.

A little rough

I was thinking just the other night about how life can be so much like you pictured it would be, and we can still feel so unhappy.  Why is that?  Is it sheer exhaustion and frustration with the everyday that makes the everyday so hard to like?  Don't get me wrong, I love my life.  Sometimes I just don't like it.  Which is insane, because I have it really good.  I wish I just knew how to skip all of the feelings of frustration and just let them go.  How do you do that?  How do you not care about screaming, disobedient children?  Or having your feelings hurt?  Or not being able to stick to goals I have set for eating right?  Or somehow not being able to get on top of your finances despite not really buying anything except gas and food?  Other things like a messy house are easier. I know how to fix that.  So while that is a constant bother to me, it's not what makes me feel so frustrated.  It just adds to the feelings.

I feel almost crippled with an overwhelming sense of "I can't do it."  It's awful.  Never before at any stage in my life have I felt this way, and I am left to wonder what in the world is wrong with me.  But it's only in the internal areas of my life.  When I'm out doing things or when I have an audience, I am fine.  I even feel fine.  Pretty much all the way through.  But when it is just me, or me and my family, I often find it so hard.  Why is that?  I don't understand it at all.

I didn't mean for this to be such a downer, but I am pretty sure AnnaMarie is the only one who even reads this occasionally, anyways, so I guess I am just apologizing to myself.  I just wish I could figure it out.  But like everything else, I am sure this only seems big right now, and later it will be more clear and less overwhelming.  But for now, it is hard.  And I feel a bit lost and very alone.  It is a very frustrating feeling to be generally making good and right choices, even best choices, but still feel like you aren't doing it right.  Here's to a better day today, at any rate.  I sure could use it.

Bitter and Sweet

Well, it's obvious with the frequency of my posts, but I'll come out and say it.  I'm really not going and getting much of anything right now!  I feel like I'm still playing catch up with my life from the very beginning of summer!  Although I sometimes feel like I am making some strides emotionally or spiritually, usually I feel like I am along for the ride and trying hard to get a firm grip (or any kind of grip, really!) on the reins of my life (aka my children).  But the good news is that I don't really feel like I am to blame for not being on top of things.  I feel like it's a hard job that I have the abililty to figure out and less like its a huge problem with no solution.  So that's a good change, and it's brought a lot of relief with it.  Somehow I feel capable, even though I'm not really visibly solving anything. 

But I've still been crazy emotional lately.  I watched Kelly's younger three for four days this week, and on top of that helped out my neighbor with her 2 young children for a while at the same time.  And having 9 kids put me over the edge.  I mean honestly.  I was not nice.  I was a failure at anything beyond keeping children alive and unharmed and fed.  I just didn't have anything left in me--I couldn't find an ounce of strength or patience anywhere.  It ranks up there with the worst couple of days of my entire life, just because I felt so broken and helpless and pretty much angry.  Thankfully, it was eventually over, and I was so, so grateful to get back to my normal life.

Since then, though, Calvin and Sophie have been really struggling with behavior.  And I have felt so terrible about the bad example I set for them on that one day (now, I didn't do anything really bad, I was just kind of sarcastic and grumpy and yelled kind of a lot and had a pretty short fuse) that I get so emotional when they don't listen because I don't know how to fix it without yelling or getting mad.  So instead I cry.  Which is probably better than getting mad, but really not productive and probably unfair to the kids as well. 

And that's what happened this morning.  Ryan, as usual, was happy to do his chores right away, willing to help me with whatever I asked him to do, and very sweet.  That's been him lately--he's my Pig Will, and I am so grateful!  But Calvin and Sophie, once again, said they would clean their room, but didn't.  For like 2 hours.  And finally after asking a million times and still finding them in their pajamas with a messy room, I teared up and told them that I didn't want to yell at them, but that I didn't know what else to do, and that they were making me so sad.  Then I went downstairs, made a little pile of blankets to lay on, and just cried.  I cried because I needed help figuring this out and asked Heavenly Father for His help.  I cried because I really don't know what will work with those two, and I cried because of all the work I knew it would take to get them to listen or at least to get my house clean. 

I said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me feel better.  I said that sometimes all I needed to feel better was just a nice hug.  And just after that, as I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks, sweet little Ryan came down the stairs and asked if he could give me a hug.  So he lay down with me and snuggled me while I cried.  I explained to him why I was sad, and my frustrations with trying to figure out how to get the other kids to listen without yelling and being mean.  He hugged me and told me what a good mommy I was and how much he loved me.  He just hugged me while I cried.  Then we brainstormed together about what to do, and we decided on getting the other kids downstairs for "snuggle hug time", where we all snuggled and got out our grievances and then started the day over again. 

The rest of the day went better, and I was very proud that I didn't resort to yelling and getting angry.  So, there's one drop in the bucket.  I was grateful today that Heavenly Father answered my prayer for comfort with my sweet little Ryan.  He helped me feel loved and cared for and supported at a time when I felt weak and frustrated.  What a very special boy he is. 

So, overall, my goals are to get our home running smoothly enough for me to do fun and enjoyable and memorable things with the kids each day.  I want our lives to be rich and full and fun and unique.  But getting the home running smoothly is a tall order.  I want to start with simplifying some things in my life, like getting ready fro the day--like really ready to take on the day--before my kids start needing me, like putting away the toys for a while to help with controlling messes, that sort of thing.  I want to take a look at how we are doing things and use my MBA eyes to look for solutions.  And while I'm doing all of this, I want to fill our home with light and keep out the darkness.  I want that to be the lens through which I view my choices as a mother--does this bring light or does it bring darkness? 

So, I hope to have a better framework and plan soon, but for now, I'll start with this.

Busy busy busy

This summer has been a whirlwind.  I have been here, there, and everywhere, which has resulted in me living life on the surface.  Now that I'm back from my travels, I'm oscillating between catching up/putting out fires/hurrying here or there and being so exhausted that I have to go to bed early, wake up later and take a nap.  Which basically means I have not done much useful in the last month and a half, though I've made some great memories that I wouldn't trade.  So I guess that is good.

But anyways, here I sit.  It is Sunday evening.  I got the kids out the door at 5:30 this morning to take Michael to the airport for his conference in San Diego.  Which means I did Sunday all by myself today, plus having kids that woke up at 5:30.  It didn't go badly, at least probably not as badly as it should have, which makes it feel like it went pretty well.  But I am exhausted.  I tried so hard today to be a good mom.  I wanted to make my kids a delicious breakfast.  I wanted to have a happy morning and be cheerful together.  I wanted to not get frustrated and yell.  But I'm sorry to say that despite my intentions, none of those things happened.  It was a hard day.  Although somehow easier to know there was no help to be found and get through than to have unmet expectations of help I was hoping to receive.  That sounds harsh, but it's how I felt today.

At any rate, here I sit.  The house is a disaster.  Like a literal disaster.  Our kitchen in "in the process of being remodeled" except the problem is that it's being remodeled by us, and we have done pretty much almost nothing on it in a couple of weeks.  So instead, it sits an unusable, unmoppable, gigantic mess to add to the rest of the gigantic mess of our house.  I've had tears running down my face for the last hour and I can't tell if it's sheer exhaustion or me feeling like I did a bad job today or my shame for eating most of the peanut butter banana cream pie that used to be in my fridge or the fact that I pretty much lost it at bed time when I discovered that Calvin and Sophie had dumped hamster food for the 100th time all over their bedroom floor, this time with an added bonus of a bottle of water splashed around the room.  It's probably all of it combined.  I don't know.

I guess the point is, I feel crummy.  And it mostly feels crummy because even if I did jump up this minute and clean every inch of this house and read some uplifting scriptures and baked 100 loaves of delicious homemade bread and fed the poor and made that delicious pancake breakfast I meant to do this morning, nothing would really change.  I would still sit here tomorrow night frustrated that my house is once again a mess, and once again I hollered at my kids for something, and once again I ate a bunch of junk to compensate for not having had a good day.  It feels crummy because I can't really imagine what the solution could be.  I'm sure it's out there somewhere.

I guess I should wrap up with some good parts of the day, just so I'm not a total downer.  Hannah napped early, and the kids watched Milo and Otis and then played well, which meant I got a 2 hour nap this morning.  I spent some extra time making sure my kids felt like they looked nice and that their mother was willing to help them get ready.  I lent Sophie a necklace and put pink sparkle dust all over her and fixed Ryan's favorite bowtie and helped Calvin get ready when he was too sleepy after his nap.  And instead of rolling my eyes and hollering at Calvin to buckle up after he bonked his head on the roof of the car when we were already late, I climbed back there to kiss and hug him and buckle him in and scold the car.  These meant we were 15 minutes late to church, but I still feel like it was a good call.  I had a fun and snarky texting session with my parents, sister and brother in law that made me forget my frustrations and have a good laugh.  Hannah happily bopped around the room in primary while I taught singing time.  I liked my haircut today with my new headband in it.  I played with Hannah before bed, just the two of us singing songs and laughing on Ryan's bed.  I got a phone call from Michael that cheered me up.

So, there were some great parts of today, too.  I just am feeling down in the dumps tonight.  But I suppose it's time to square my shoulders and get to work around here and see if I can change my destiny tomorrow :)

Better

I feel like I have really stumbled upon something with my latest goal.  For whatever reason, wanting to find out who my true self really is and then wanting to be true to that person has really had a pretty powerful effect on me these past couple of weeks.  That's not to say they have been perfect weeks--far from it!  I have had plenty of frustrations and moments when I truly have failed at acting in a way that is consistent with who I truly am.  But there have also been many moments when I have thought and pondered and studies and felt like I really understood my true self better, and moments when that knowledge helped me rise above a situation and be confident, self-assured, and able to make better choices.  Like I said, it has been powerful!

One day for my scripture study, I studies my patriarchal blessing and took some time and really tried hard to to prayerfully consider who I think I truly am, deep down inside, and have always been.  I wrote it down in a journal, and I'll post it on here, just to make sure I don't lose it!

"When I read about who I was then, I imagine a strong, steadfast daughter.  I imagine one who worked hard to do her best at the responsibilities that were entrusted to her.  I imagine a woman who thoroughly knows her Father in Heaven, knows His attributes, knows His desires, knows His plan, and will give all her strength and ability to help it be brought to pass. 

I imagine a woman with her head held high because she knows her worth, she knows her power, and she knows she is putting it to use int he right place.  I imagine a woman who can do anything that is asked of her, and can do it with strength and humility.  I imagine a woman who understands that her part, though perhaps small, is vitally important, not just because her Father needs her help, but also because her part is perfectly suited to her need for growth, her abilities and her happiness.

I see a woman who completely and gladly trusts her Father, and knows that as she engages in His work, His strength is her strength, and therefore, she can do anything.  I see a woman who is excited and anxious for opportunities to grow and improve, and prove herself and her dedication to her Father; who is excited and anxious to accomplish His work."

When I reflect on that idea of who I was and am, deep down inside, I feel so noble, and so powerful.  I feel like there is no reason for me to get bogged down with doubt and selfishness and daily frustrations.  I know who I am.  I know what is important.  I know I can do so much good.  I know who I want to become, and I know I have the tools to do it.  So now all that's left is to just get to work!  It feels so empowering to me.  I no longer feel like just a frazzled mom in a world of other frazzled people.  I feel like a capable leader who can take on challenges and handle them purposefully, prepared with a toolbox of ideas to try and a ready Father to help me as I make my way through this journey.  It's exciting, and it somehow feels so satisfying to view my life through this lens. 

So, I suppose my spiritual goals for the coming weeks, which are going to be so very busy, is to try each day to center myself by thinking about this person that I really am.  Maybe even during my morning prayers just try to imagine myself as I would look spiritually.  Have a small glimpse of who I am to carry with me throughout each day.  And then to try to honor that spiritual self--to let her take control in those times when I feel weak or unable. 

My physical goals for this week are to get back to a low calorie goal.  I think 1000 was just too low--it just wasn't really sustainable.  So, my new goal is 1200 a day.  Wish me luck!

Meh

Well, as with most of my recent goals, I didn't make as much of an effort to keep this week's goal front and center in my mind.  That being said, I did ask Heavenly Father for help each day to put the most important things first, and I do feel like I spent more time really trying to connect with my children and help them feel my love than I have in a while.  So, I suppose I will call this week's goal somewhat of a success.

But I do feel like this last week or two have been really great, despite not really feeling like I totally achieved my goals.  Mostly this past week or two have been great because Michael is finally done with school.  Hallelujah!  Although he still has a couple of projects he is still working on with classmates from school that do take up some time, he is so much more available to help and spend time with our family, which has felt amazing.  I can feel a big weight lifting from off my shoulders.  Like all of a sudden I could actually turn my attention to more than just surviving as an essentially single parent for the most part.  So it feels so good to be doing things together again!

Last night I introduced new chore charts for the kids and I am really excited about the possibilities!  I decided to look around and decide which household chores I am the worst at and make sure those things were involved with the kids' chores.  Those include keeping up with the laundry, keeping up with the dishes, and bringing stuff in from the car.  So I'm pretty excited about the potential here--I think if we can stay motivated, I will feel so much more on top of thins around our home.  I'm excited!

Recently I have been doing a cleaning swap with some friends.  We always used to get together for play group, but we would just sit and talk.  That is good and fun and all, but somehow we stumbled upon the idea to take turns going to each others' houses and working together on a cleaning or organization project, or something like that.  It has felt so good as we do these projects.  I have felt like we really can accomplish so much if we work together, and I wonder why we seem to spend so much of our time just sitting around.  I feel such a sense of capability.  Yes I have a lot of kids, yes I am exhausted, yes I would love to sit down and do nothing, but instead, working together we were able to accomplish so much!  It just feels good.

This evening during scripture study, I listened to a talk from the Priesthood session of conference.  The speaker talked about a young man who decided not to serve a mission, and finally, at the behest of his father, agreed to get his patriarchal blessing.  The young man was deeply moved during the blessing, because he said he was able to see just a glimpse of who he had been in the pre-existance--who he really was.  And knowing who he was and what he was capable of was so powerful to him--he decided there was so way he could not serve a mission.  That story touched me.  Have I ever caught a glimpse of who I was?  Of who I really am?  What would I see?  What and my great strengths and gifts?  And if I could catch a glimpse of the real me, what would that compel me to do?  How would I change?  What would I be motivated to accomplish?

For the past few years I have felt a constant undercurrent in my life telling me that I was meant to do more.  Not as in I should go get a job or anything, but that I was meant to do more that simply enjoy what I have been given and stretch my wings comfortably in my nest, with my little birdies around me.  I deeply want to figure out what that is that I am meant to be doing.  I get the sense that it needs to involve me AND my children, so I am anxious to discover what that might be and what it would look like.  I know I am capable of more.  It takes organization and hard work to take care of things at home efficiently so that I can extend myself farther, and then it takes selflessness to give up the many other things I could do with my time.  But just like our cleaning swaps, I know I will feel so satisfied to look around and see that I have accomplished so much more.

So that is my goal for this next week.  To catch a glimpse of who I really am, and to make that count and make it change me for the better.

Thoughts

Well, I almost totally failed at my spiritual goal for last week.  The goal was to work on using the enabling power of the Atonement to help be patient and have the strength to look beyond the frustrations of life and see the beauty.  I mean, I hope I did it without realizing it, but the times when I actually stopped myself from reacting badly and tried to find strength within myself to do better I could probably count on two fingers.  Or one.  At least one.  Big sigh.  My calorie goals on the other hand were a big success and I am down to 179 lbs, which hasn't happen in at least 2 babies. So that's progress!

But enough celebrating my successes.  Back to my failings.  It's not that I feel like a failure--I I know motherhood is hard, and to call yourself a "success" at something as complicated, far-reaching, eternal, and all-encompassing as motherhood is something like Sophie and Calvin telling me that they have cleaned their room "all the way".  Yeah, right.  Might not ever happen in this life!!!  There are always toys still on the the floor, beds unmade, clothes and shoes and ties piling up on the closet floor, clothes falling out of the dresser drawers, hamster shavings all over the place, hand smudgies on the walls, and I'm not even going to talk about what's under the bed.  So great job for putting the dirty clothes in the laundry and picking things up off the rug.  But your room is not clean.  So, my point is, I tend to cut myself some slack in the motherhood department.  I don't think anyone has it all together, because that is impossible.  And I don't expect myself to have it all together, either. 

That being said, it is still so hard to feel so incapable at something that is comprised of things that are so simple and easy to do.  Take any one or really any 10 tasks of motherhood.  Cleaning up poop, making a meal, bathing a child, correcting homework, giving someone extra attention, singing a bedtime song, vacuuming a rug, waking up at 4 in the morning to put a binky in a sweet, crabby little mouth.  ANYONE could do ANY of these things.  That is why it is so frustrating to me to feel like I can't cut the mustard.  Because it seems SO EASY to cut it.  But when it's a swimming pool full of mustard and you're slogging through it with four sweet little souls hanging onto you for dear life while you slip and fall and try desperately to get your footing and on top of that you feel like you are doing it all alone because your husband can't be in the mustard with you due to his own slog fest through the swimming pool of the relish of full time work, full-time school, and Elders' quorom president-ing, well, then it is not quite so easy to cut. 

I am tired, I am overwhelmed, I am lonely, I am sad, I am disappointed at my seeming inability to to make a difference in ANYTHING, I am tired, I am tired and I am tired.  It is so hard.  And when I feel that way so often, it is so hard to motivate myself to pack a lunch or change a diaper or clean out the fridge ever or pick up the dirty napkin that I used to wipe my nose and stuffed in the cupholder of the car.  It's like I am paralyzed and can't do any of those simple, easy to do things.  I am just to thoroghly bone-tired to even care sometimes. 

But then there are the beautiful times when I really see my children.  When I recognize that the endless need for attention really translates into a heart bursting with love and admiration just for me.  When I realize that they actually thought about me and my feelings and tried to do something to ease my load or make me feel loved.  When I see them doing something kind or honorable to others, and I realize that they did that because I taught them to do that.  Those moments make me feel a bit like Alma the younger when he said,  "Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy (Alma 36:21)."  As completely and utterly incapable as I feel some days, I feel that same depth of emotion in the opposite direction on other days--like I am on top of the world and I can see exactly what it is all about and why it is that I do what I do, and it is all not only worth it, but so wonderful that it fills my heart to bursting.

And that is the dichotomy of motherhood.  I'm sure every mother has felt it.  But I am just now realizing something.  Google defines dichotomy as:  "a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different."  I know, and have always known, where that incomparable feeling of joy and satisfaction and eternal perspective comes from--our Heavenly Father.  Those feelings come directly from Him.  It is as if He gives to us, because we are His partners in raising and teaching and loving our children, just a small slice of what He feels for us as His children, so that we can gain understanding and then seek after a second serving, and a third, and a fourth and so on.  But if those come directly from our Father, then the feelings of failure and sadness and disappointment and despair come directly from the "opposite or entirely different" force.  It is the adversary whispering to us, "It is too hard.  Give up.  Sure, make the food, wipe the nose, do the dishes, but make sure they all know how much you hate it.  You don't have enough energy left to waste any love on things that are making you fail at tasks that are so easy any bum off the street could do it." 

The truth is, there are things in this life that matter, and things that just don't matter.  The adversary wants to us to flip these things around.  He wants us to think that the tasks have to get done, but the people can be ignored and snubbed and abused.  He wants us to spend so much time and energy on things that don't truly matter so that we feel like there is absolutely no more time and energy within us to spend on the things that truly do matter.  And do you know what?  It works!  And I tuck my kids in to bed at night sometimes and realize that I worked my tail off all day from sun up to sun down doing absolutely nothing for myself, feeling like I had been doing important things for others all day long, but then realize that I never once played a game with one of my children, or read one of my children a story.  Or let one of my children help me with a task.  Or played with my baby when she cried instead of just feeding her or putting her to bed or telling someone else to entertain her.  And when those realizations come, I feel truly awful.  And I look around at my wiped off counters and my folded laundry and I realize that I got it all wrong.

In her general conference talk in April, Linda S. Reeves said the following. 

"Some of you have heard me tell how overwhelmed my husband, Mel, and I felt as the parents of four young children. As we faced the challenges of parenting and keeping up with the demands of life, we were desperate for help. We prayed and pleaded to know what to do. The answer that came was clear: “It is OK if the house is a mess and the children are still in their pajamas and some responsibilities are left undone. The only things that really need to be accomplished in the home are daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening.”

We were trying to do these things, but they were not always the priority and, amidst the chaos, were sometimes neglected. We changed our focus and tried not to worry about the less-important things. Our focus became to talk, rejoice, preach, and testify of Christ by striving to daily pray and study the scriptures and have weekly family home evening."

There are things that are truly, eternally important.  Those things include loving our family members as the Savior would, and showing that love through teaching, spending time with them, and serving them.  The most important elements in rearing children successfully are prayer, scripture study and family home evenings.   The other things on our lists and in our lives don't really matter.  

It's like the age old Young Womens lesson about time management, where you have a glass jar and a bunch of rocks of varying sizes--bigger ones, medium ones, smaller ones, and a bunch of sand.  If you start filling the jar up with sand and a few little rocks, there is soon no more space left for the big rocks.  But if you start with the big rocks, then fill in with the smaller rocks, then finally add the sand, there is room for all of it.  It is the same way with motherhood.  If I start with the cleaning and cooking and dance classes and chores and piano lessons and who knows what else, pretty soon my jar is full.  Nothing else will fit, and quite frankly I am too tired and exhausted and irritable to try to make it so.  But if we start with what is most important--if we prioritize showing love to our children and reading scriptures with them and praying with them and helping them feel valued--then we will find time for enough of the pebbles and sand to keep our lives running relatively smoothly and successfully.  No one has room for it all, but we'll have room for what we need.  But if we neglect putting those most important things first, our jars may seem full, but our lives will be empty and sad.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I have been putting the pebbles first.  And I'm exhausted.  I and so tired of trying desperately to cram those big rocks into a jar already full of practically pointless things.  At church yesterday in Relief Society we were shown a video that didn't have any words, but depicted women doing loving and worthwhile things with their hands.  Like making covenants like baptism, doing family history research, serving those in need, caring for children, and so on.  That video really touched my heart.  It made me realize that I have a limited supply of time and energy, and that in order to be happy and satisfies with my life, I need to start putting those most important things first.  I need to use my hands to share the love of the Lord with others, but most importantly with my family.  It's time to put the big rocks first.

So that is my new goal for this week.  My plan is to begin each day by asking my Heavenly Father to help me remember to put these most important things first, and then go go forward with my day trying to involve my children in the things that I do, when possible, and make time to be with them and make sure that they feel my love.  And then afterwards maybe we can get the sand and the pebbles in the jar together.

Another week!

Well, my gratitude week (and a half) was sort of a success.  I stuck to my more tangible goals almost 100%, but I felt like I was only doing it because it was a checklist of things I needed to get done.  The first couple of days it felt more genuine, but after that I just wasn't feeling it.  So I kind of think my gratitude week was a bit of a flop.  Although I did send more notes and say more thank-yous than I normally do, so it was nice to feel like I was doing better at expressing gratitude.  But I didn't feel like my heart was full of gratitude like it should have been.

This is a busy and stressful time for our family.  Michael is almost done with school.  Just 2 more weeks.  But it's honestly hard to muster up the energy to do pretty much everything involving the kids or the house all by myself, and then have time and energy left over to do much of anything else. 

What I really want is to have more of those moments where I just recognize the beauty of a moment or the perfectness of a feeling and then just let that feeling linger as long as possible.  And I know those moments and feelings are there waiting for me, basically all of the time.  I just need to slow down and stop focusing on my to-do list or my previous expectations, and let go and enjoy my life.  There really is truly so much to enjoy. 

I really think this is one area where I can use the enabling power of the Atonement.  This subject has been on my mind for a few months.  How can I access that power to help me in my everyday life?  Not just in repentance or comfort, but in improving in any given area.  The Atonement can provide the strength I need to be more spiritually capable and to rise above my previous level of ability.  I know that is true.  Sometimes I wonder, though, if I go about accessing that power in the right way.  As far as I currently understand, I need to pray for strength and help and then as I go forward and do my best to follow my Savior's example, then I will have access to that power.  But I feel like I try to do that!  I guess sometimes I just lose my focus.

So, anyways, I have two main goals for this week.  The first one is to practice this pattern of accessing the enabling power of the atonement, as I understand it, and see if it works.  I want my focus this week to be there.  I want to keep it in the forefront of my mind all day.  When I am tempted to lose control over my emotions, I want to stop and breathe and remember my goal.  This is a hard goal to quantify, but I want to see if I find it easier to recognize the beauty in my life through practicing this pattern.  So we'll see!

My other goal is totally unrelated to spiritual things.  My mom invited my sister and me to accompany her and my dad on a trip to Switzerland in June.  And right before that Michael and I will be taking a canoe trip with Ryan and some others to the boundary waters for almost a week.  Both of these trips will be memorable, and I really want to look better physically than I do now.  I want to look back at the pictures and feel as good about myself as possible.

I was recently reading articles online about some new supposed super supplement that makes you lose a lot of weight pretty quickly.  I was really tempted to pay the $4.95 shipping to get my "free sample bottle".  I will admit, if I didn't know Michael watched the finances so carefully, I would have done it.  I just didn't want to be caught doing something so ridiculous and vain.  And I'm glad I didn't buy it.  Because yes, it might be all it claims to be.  But I would rather lose weight knowing that I did it in a way that really worked because I was making better choices for my body, and hopefully learning how to make those choices regularly in my life.  I don't want to lose weight because I paid someone money to fix me. 

So, in that spirit, my second goal for this week is to keep an accurate food log every day and not exceed 1000 calories per day.  I know that amount is kind of extreme, but I feel like unless I'm training for a half marathon and doing 9 mile runs every weekend, this weight is really not going to come off unless I do something more drastic than I have been doing recently!  So, there we go.  Go get it!

Hello again!

Well, it has once again been a busy week--Calvin turned 6, and preparing for and executing his birthday party really took up a lot of my energy!  But I am relieved that birthday season is officially over at our house!

First, a little update on my physical ailments--ha ha.  Well, I had drematitis/eczema on my scalp, which has now pretty much cleared up all the way, thanks to a couple of topical perscriptions from the dermatologist.  My chest and knee are both feeling a lot better, thanks to time, I guess!  I am no longer concerned about my IUD, thanks to the physical I had this week--everything looks good and normal!  And the lump is just a swollen node, like Michael said, nothing to worry about!  So, that was all a big relief--glad to be given a clean bill of health and glad to have gotten rid of the things that were bothering me!

In addition, I have still been doing pretty well (although not perfect--I have indulged in a few treats) in the healthy eating challenge, and lost another two pounds, so that is all very exciting!

So, it has been 10 days since I made my last set of goals, and it has been going pretty well!  In my mind I was going to make a new set of goals for this current week, but then with Calvin's party I just never got around to it, so this past few days I wasn't very committed to any set of goals specifically, and what a difference it has made!  Last week was awesome.  I reached my goals.  I kept my home at a baseline clean, read my scriptures and said meaningful prayers early in the day, was careful about the music we listened to, and didn't watch any shows.  And it was a really great week!  I felt purposeful and on top of things, and better able to meet my kids' needs without feeling stressed out.  I did pretty well at keeping my goal of treating others like the Savior in the forefront of my mind, and it was overall a very happy and successful week!

So, my next goal is to be more grateful and to show that gratitude more often.  I was reflecting recently on the fact that gratitude is worthless unless you let other people know about it.  I am so blessed in my life by so many people.  And I feel grateful for the blessings I receive from the Lord and from others, but how often do I show that gratitude?  And if I don't show it, they will never know.

So, this next week and a half, I will do the following:

*Write and send or deliver at least 2 thank you notes each day.

*Keep a list on the fridge of every act of kindness or service that I notice being done on my behalf.

*Give a verbal heartfelt "thank-you" for each kindness or service I notice.

*Study gratitude during my scripture study.

*Say at least one exclusive gratitude prayer each day.

*Begin each prayer with thanking Heavenly Father for a number of things.

So, there we go!  My goals for the upcoming week and a half.  Go get it!

A little update

Well, as you can see, it has been a few days since I posted!  We had general conference, Sophie's birthday and birthday party, and a lot of busy/craziness!  But I have continued to make (mostly) healthy food choices, which has been good!  I am glad I did the food log for a couple of days, because it really helped to get me to start thinking about what I am putting into my body instead of mindlessly sort of assuming I was being healthy overall, which really wasn't the case! 

Some friends of mine invited me to to a health challenge they termed "the biggest winner".  We did this last year.  You get a certain amount of points for up to 6 cups of water per day, up to 5 servings of fruits and vegetables, not drinking soda, not eating treats, not eating fried food or junk food, and exercising up to 6 hours per week.  We started last Monday, and my goal was to get a perfect score this week.  And I did it!  I said no to various treats that were offered me, made sure to up my fruit, veggie and water intake, and made sure to get an average of an hour of exercise per day.  Mostly that has simply been taking the kids out for a walk, but at least it is something! 

I would love to start running again, but I hurt my knee playing basketball a few weeks ago, and each time I try something more strenuous than walking, it starts acting up again.  Also, this week I somehow pulled something in my back/chest.  It's weird that they both hurt simultaneously.  I guess it's just something deep down in the middle that hurts.  But if I don't stay on top of my ibuprofin doses it really starts to hurt.  I am usually very healthy (in the not sick or injured sense of the word) and not worried about physical ailments, but I feel like a bit of a hypochondriac this week.  I found a couple of small bumps on the back of my neck, and Michael thinks they are probably just swollen lymph nodes, but I wonder.  With my dad having cancer, it makes me worried.  I set up a check up with a doctor, but they are all booked out a couple of weeks.  In addition, I was talking to a friend who was asking for birth control suggestions, and I was telling her about my experience with my iud.  She had been doing some research on the kind I have, and I mentioned that it had been great until this last week when I had really heavy flow and much more severe cramps than the last 10 months that I have had it.  Then she mentioned that I should get that checked out because that's one of the signs that it might have perforated your uterus wall, and could cause serious problems.  So now I can't stop thinking about that either!  It's been a weird week.  Oh, and add in the fact that over the past couple of months I have had my first experience with some weird scalp condition and have crazy dandruff.  It's embarrassing and I'm confused about what is going on with me!  So I see a dermatologist on Wednesday.  Thirty is no good, I tell you!

So, that's been my week!  Some successes, some worries.  I lost 2 pounds over the course of the week, so that's something to celebrate.

Since general conference, my goal-setting mind has shifted to the spiritual.  It really wasn't an amazing conference experience, because we were prepping for a party on Saturday (I have vowed never to do a birthday party on conference Saturday ever again) and celebrated a birthday on Sunday, and since the kids were pretty naughty and not listening, and since Michael and I were preeeetty grumpy with them, it really wasn't the spiritual feast I was hoping for.  But since then I have been going over the messages online, and I have enjoyed them.  So far there is exactly one thing that has stuck out to me.  Someone quoted Matthew 25:40, which reads:

"And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have ^adone it unto one of the ^bleast of these my ^cbrethren, ye have done it unto me."

And it was crazy how after I heard that scripture, it was all I could think about.  I thought about how I treated my children, how I am so often impatient, how I use sarcasm with Ryan so often, how I try to get them to leave me alone too often, how I sometimes judge others and deride them in my mind, how I sometimes overlook things that Michael does for me because I am too busy focusing on what he hasn't done for me.  Things that I don't really think about--at least in the moment--as really being very bad.  But when I think about doing those things to my Savior, I feel racked with guilt.  Because essentially, I have done them to my Savior.  Each time I do those things to anyone, it is like I am doing them to my Savior, because he loves them so much.  It is easy to understand as a parent.  When Ryan makes one of his siblings hurt or sad, it is very much like he has done it to me. 

So, I determined that one new goal that I am consciously striving for is to treat others like I would want to treat the Savior.  I have obviously not been perfect, but I have been improving.  And that feels good.  I have noticed a couple of times that I have been able to stop myself in the moment and change direction, and prevent myself from doing or saying something that I would regret.  I am struggling with how to quantify this goal, though.  I always seem to do better when I am striving for a quantifiable goal.  So, since I know that thinking and acting on a more spiritual level goes hand in hand with preparing myself spiritually for the day, here is my new quantifiable goal for this week:

*I will read my scriptures and say meaningful morning prayers at the first "quiet moment" chance I get on any given day.  With how early my kids get up, this sometimes happens before we get going for the day, and it sometimes happens after I have dropped the boys off to school.  Sometimes it even waits for nap time.  But I am going to use the first chance I get to devote my energy to drawing nearer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

*I will keep my home at least at a baseline level of tidiness/cleanliness sothat the Spirit can dwell in our home.

*I will make more of an effort to keep out any music that isn't uplifting, and when I feel like listening to music, I will purposefully choose music that is uplifting, inspiring, and happiness-inducing.

*I will not watch and shows on hulu this week.  Instead, if I need some entertainment or fun, I will do things together with my children, husband or friends that are uplifting, productive, active or service-oriented.

So there we go, my goals for this week!  Go get it!

Food Log 4/3/14

Okay, here's what I had today!

Slice of toast with butter (about 130 calories) with strawberries (about 100 calories)

Herbal tea and biscuits for snack (about 125 calories)

Salad for lunch (about 400 calories)

3 tacos (about 500 calories) with about 1/2 cup grapes (about 50 calories).

So my grand total for today is 1305!

Food Log

Since this blog is anonymous, I am only accountable to me, myself and I for any promises I make.  I think that is the beauty of it.  If I can't prove to myself that I can be counted on, then I can't really accomplish much of anything in this life.  So, tomorrow I am going to take a picture of every single thing I eat and post it as a food log tomorrow.  I feel like acknowledging what I'm doing wrong health-wise is an important initial step to making permanent change.  Go get it!


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Okay, here we go, here is what I've had to eat for breakfast and lunch today.  I will follow up with dinner later!

I had a brunch with friends for breakfast.  Here are the pictures:

So, in total, that was probably about 2 cups of assorted fruit with about 1/2 cup yogurt and a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar (about 300 calories), plus 18 almonds (about 115 calories), plus 14 pretzels (340 calories) plus 1/4 cup hummus (140 calories).

Then for lunch I had this salad:

It was 2 cups spinach (14 calories), 1 oz gouda (100 calories), 1/8 cup pumpkin seeks (85 calories), 3 dried apricots (60 calories), 1 strawberry (4 calories) and about 2 tsp strawberry vinaigrette dressing (70 calories).

So, it's funny to me that I thought I was being pretty good at the brunch.  I stayed away from the treats.  I just wished I had stayed away from the pretzels!  Who knew?  So breakfast was about 900 calories (!!!!!) and lunch was about 335.  So today so far, I have had 1235.  That sounds like trouble for dinner.  In my head my goal was about 1200 to 1500 calories a day.  So maybe I'll just have some veggies for dinner!  I guess we'll see!  And I didn't even feel like I was pigging out at breakfast!  So sad.  That's why I'm doing this, though!  I have to understand what I'm doing so that I can unserstand how to do it better.

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And here is dinner! I went with light and unhealthy, obviously.  It's one saltine with frosting (about 50 calories) and a small piece of the biscuit type things Michael made when he got home (maybe 50 calories?)

SO that makes my grand total for the day 1335.  Not too shabby!  I should be able to do much better tomorrow if I can manage to stay away from brunch with friends.  And pretzels.

Beginning

The other evening Michael and I were talking.  We were both voices frustrations about various things, and we came to the conclusion that the state of our house looks like our eating habits looks like our finances looks like our children's behavior, etc., etc.  It's all a pretty big mess.  I've been mulling over that for a while now, and I feel like I am finally noticing a disconnect that I never had noticed in myself before. 

I am a capable, confident girl.  I always have been.  My mother made sure of it, and I am grateful for that every day.  I have done hard things, like bearing four children, getting my MBA, running my own business, and running a half marathon.  In each of these cases, I knew what I wanted and just went and got it.  It was hard, but I always knew I could do it, and I was always committed. 

Now here I am in the throws of stay-at-home-motherhood to four beauties and my days consist of cleaning, diaper changing, associating with friends, making food and teaching and entertaining my little ones.  It is beautiful and it is wonderful, but it is hard.  It doesn't bring the same type of fulfillment as my other hard things.  When I did those things, I had a concrete thing that I could check off.  People stood back and admired me.  It felt good.  But where I am now, this is real, every day life.  There's nothing I can really ever check off.  It's eternal--which is at the same time both discouraging and encouraging.  And people don't stand back and admire me, because it's not really all that impressive that I am living my life.  And to be honest, like every other mother on the planet, I feel like a colossal failure a lot of the time, so I really don't want people standing back to admire me, anyways.  It would just feel like gawking.

So here is the disconnect--I can do concrete hard things, but when it comes to the everlasting, vague hard things, I find myself almost completely lacking in motivation.  Even though I know they are the most important hard things I can and will ever do.  Why can't I seem to put my skill set to use in my everyday life?  Why only in the exceptional cases?  Why can't I treat my everyday life as exceptional?  Am I really that shallow, that if I can't get a prize and have a small audience applauding me for a job well done, then I just don't think it's worth my best effort?

So here I am.  Ready to bring it.  I want to make some changes, and I want to live with purpose.  I want to have regular everyday goals and reach them.  I want to feel good about myself because I improved at something that I wanted to improve at, even if there is no other reason to feel good about it.  So, this blog is dedicated to me, going out and getting what I want, one small but purposeful step at a time.